i'm trying to decide whether or not to say anything at all.

i'm always deciding this all the time. heh.

how do individuals make the hundreds of teensy little decisions to speak or not to speak every day? is it always rote? what distinguishes a conscious attempt at speaking from an instinctive response? is there a time difference? is it in the milliseconds?

and how do we, as receivers of these parts of speech (literally), make decisions about interpreting the other person's motivations, attitude, pace, voice, sincerity, word choice...ad infinitum.....

can we trust the analyses we construct? hmmm, i think we have no choice but to - otherwise we spend our time totally suspicious of everyone's words, including our own, we disregard context, we disregard legacy, we disregard *what we know*.

(but when i talk to you, i try to anticipate the full context of our whole dialogue, i try to imagine all the implications of my words and tone, i try so hard to stay focused and keep myself from 'spinning' the language into something it's not meant to be.

i don't think i've ever tried so hard in my life to be this honest inside my own thoughts or words, catching myself when i feel i might be manipulating my own feelings or my take on a situation or conversation. it's something i do automatically now, for the sake of our relationship, and the dreams that go along with it.)

maybe it would be easier if i whispered it all to you. it would be easier if your ear were closer to my mouth.