"Be alert to all soft tissue that might remain, including hair, skin, fingerprints, and ligaments. Write or tape-record your notes; memory will not suffice...Excavation of a site destroys it, and contextual data left unrecorded are forever lost." -Human Osteology, White

this morning i had so much to say - thinking on the way in to work- i assured myself that the motion of walking keeps my forebrain processing toward the back. there was so much i wanted to record here but actually i just discovered that someone i thought might be kin, isn't.

and it's rather sad. and it's distracting me but i press on...

beyond this *sad*, the most concrete heuristic moment i had today (while shampooing) was realizing that while on zoloft i was a fiendish list-writer. every day revolved around accomplishment of discreet tasks, the control of daily mechanics, the management of time, space, and resources without any emotive intervention.

now, it just isn't that way. my feelings are back, the lists are gone, the laundry piles itself into corners, the houseplants are regularly brought back from the brink of death after having thirsted for weeks on top of dusty shelves. i'm cooking. i'm cooking with those i love.

there is love and humor in my life that dances along with all the bad stuff - anger or discontent, however one might label the unavoidable negatives.

my life wasn't operating that way even six months ago, even less than that.

with thanks to j, i have to admit that my last long-term romantic relationship was one in which i had been fully medicated. what does this mean? it means that i was a second person, a completely *other* person whom i knew but knew less well, a person existing as half of a relationship that was bound to fail even for the fact that i simply was not experiencing the full range of emotions or meg-ness that was an organic part of me.

someone fell in love with an incomplete me.

and when the complete me began to rise to the surface, that someone woke up to a stranger. i suppose i am sorry for that. more sorry, though, that that someone preferred something less than complete.