12-19-00-- I drove four and a half hours through, literally, sleet and snow and one very minor collision in order to pick him up from the airport. I waited for his plane to land.

I saw him walk from the gate. We smiled.

None of this do I bear a grudge for or resent or regret or even admonish him in light of the fact that he is leaving with his grandmother tomorrow and my visit with him, after two years, maxes out at about 5 hours. Yeah, the same amount of time it took for me to get here to pick him up.

I can’t compare him to other guys and say things like—" If this were D, he’d be upstairs with me – talking all night and being emotionally intimate." Well I could, but it wouldn’t really be a fair comparison, that’s just not J. I know that, if I know anything at all, I know that.

We are the same in the ways that meant anything to me. Add in all the cliches here: it was as if I’d seen him yesterday. Perhaps we have nothing but the reminiscing in common. This makes me wonder if any relationship I have keeps me interested for more than 6 months (without extenuating drama).

I feel selfish right now—but I don’t know why I want to feel that way. I’m reveling in it? Or wait, I think I just don’t know what I want right now- and I am usually so sure of what I want and so sure that part of the deal for me includes a male romantic lead.

The brothers are talking downstairs now. "So, what’s the deal with you two?" la la la. It would seem very right in certain respects for us to get back together- to try to incorporate one another back into our lives, succeed in that effort, and get married (?) Our lifestyles now are obstacles that don’t allow for the feelings to get through.

Am I being totally rigid by not even allowing for the prospect of being a part of his life in CA? Was he at least a bit introspective or serious when he asked me to move out there? I mean, the idea had to come from somewhere, right? No. This is wishful thinking.

I’m wearing the white cotton nightgown that his grandmother set out for me. This is altogether too comfortable. Tomorrow there is no doubt that I’ll be both wistful and wincing.