It is pretty much a given that at every end-of-year I feel compelled to take stock of myself. Goals and needs and all those abstractions we try to make real.

It is a different and more involved, more methodical exercise-- a different means than my usual, somewhat compulsive running stock-ticker in my mind that is constantly trying to understand/negotiate my location, my desires and hopes.

Overall, 2004 was a bad year. The election was clearly the low point (with the most far-reaching effects), given the investment I made, both emotionally and physically. My two remaining grandparents passed away. My job is just total suck. And I pretty much "put on hold" 2 or 3 relationships that I felt were useless, demanding, or otherwise taking advantage of my energy.

It seems like all my defenses have been up for the last year, and that is getting exhausting. I never had much of a thick skin or wall around me to begin with.

2004 forcefully reasserted my belief that the only person I can count on is myself. To keep my expectations in check (and my disappointments), I must become more self-reliant and independent than I really was before.

There are things to look forward to, if I construct them and take responsibility for their creation and maintenance.

• I want to run for office, learn about running for office, or at least work closely with a local campaign/candidate that I really believe in.
• I want to travel outside the country again this year.
• I want to try my hand at being a schedule-oriented person: taking specific time out of every day to walk, to write, to meditate.
• I want a larger community of people. Or, I want to involve myself in new communities that I have not spent enough time with this last year.

I want reason. I want goals. I want to know what I want and what those closest to me want and expect.

I especially want a room of my own.